James Rutherford asked:




If you’ve found out that your partner is having an affair, then there are some things you need to do before making a decision on the future, and whether or not your partner is to be a part of it.

1. Confront your partner.

This is the most difficult thing to do. It has the potential to unlock the flood gates to a whole river of stuff you may not want to hear. The alternative is to keep living with the stress and emotional roller coaster that is not dealing with the problem. Neither option is particularly appealing, but like a boil, this problem needs to be lanced.

The best thing to do is to tell your partner you want to talk to them, and arrange to do it on neutral ground, a bar or cafe, where tempers are less likely to be lost.

2. Ask questions

You need to find out from your partner some pretty hard things, such as:

-who is it?
-how long has it been going on?
-have they had protected sex – are STD’s likely to be a problem?
-does your partner want to end it – can you believe them?
-are they actually in love with this person?
-is the relationship ongoing, how does your partner see the future – are you a part of it?
-why?

3. Have some time apart

By having some time apart you are in a different space. You need that space to breathe and think about the future in the light of what you now know.

During this time you need to find someone to confide in, someone who won’t judge you but will help give you clarity of thought. You need to consider the answers that your partner has given you, including any unintentional ones, like body language – are they telling the truth?

Gut feeling plays a part here, after all, you probably know them well enough to tell if they are not being entirely honest.

You may want to take legal advice at this point. Emotions can run us ragged, and sometimes some expert advice on the reality and financial consequences of a split can give us better focus and direction. You can then move to step 4.

4. Make a decision

Everyone is different. I have personally known people stick with a partner despite their philandering, to maintain a certain lifestyle. We are all different in this regard. However, whatever you decide, it’s important to make that decision as by making it, the stress and emotional roller-coaster are reduced, and you can move on.

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Ruth Houston asked:




Company picnics and other work-related social events can be breeding grounds for workplace affairs. If you value your marriage or relationship, always accompany your spouse or significant other to every work-related social function that partners are allowed to attend. That includes office parties, appreciation dinners, and yes, the company picnic.

Shocking Facts About Workplace Affairs

If there’s any doubt in your mind about why you should go with your partner to such events, the facts below speak for themselves:

A study by VAULT.com found that nearly half of the American work force has been romantically involved with someone on the job.
The workplace now ties with the internet as being the #1 place where cheating spouses and significant others find willing partners with whom to have an affair.
A survey conducted by a private investigation firm found that found that an affair with a co-worker is more likely to be initiated at a company-sponsored social event.
Attend Social Events at Your Partner’s Job

As an infidelity expert who has researched and written about workplace infidelity for years, and consulted with numerous individuals, both male and female who were the victims of workplace affairs, I’m all too familiar with how office romance can take root and escalate out of control. I’ve seen infidelity victims totally distraught over the pain and devastation workplace affairs can cause. That’s why I strongly suggest that whenever possible, spouses and significant others should always attend company picnics, office parties, and other social events at their partner’s job.

Safeguard Your Relationship and Discourage Workplace Affairs

You should never pass up an opportunity to go social events like the annual company picnic, if spouses and significant others are permitted to attend. Your being there can discourage workplace affairs in four important ways:

Short-Circuit a Budding Office Romance – Your partner will think twice about amorously approaching that co-worker he or she has been flirting with, or secretly admiring all year. Keep Predatory Co-Workers at Bay – By making your presence known, predatory co-workers will be less inclined make a play for your partner or less likely to respond to your partner’s advances if it’s obvious that he or she is already attached. Stop Them from Sneaking off for Sex – One survey found that it was not uncommon for employees to sneak away from company-sponsored gatherings to have sex. Your being there will keep your partner’s libido in check. Avoid Alcohol Induced Affairs – Alcohol is a major contributing factor to inappropriate behavior at job-related social events. Your presence there will help keep your partner from over-imbibing and doing something he or she may later regret.
If You Already Suspect Your Partner of Having a Workplace Affair

What if you suspect that your partner is already involved in a workplace affair? Attending the annual company picnic will give you a chance to find out if what you suspect is true. If your spouse or significant other is romantically involved with a co-worker, their behavior or body language will give them away. But knowing what to look for is the key.

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Ed Opperman asked:




Many wives and husbands know all-too-well that sick feeling that they get in the pit of their stomach when they think that their partner may be having an extramarital affair — you are no different. You have that nagging suspicion that your spouse may be cheating on you, but how can you prove it without alerting your spouse to your suspicions?

That is what we will share with you today — how to catch a cheating spouse.

Nowadays, the internet is the starting point of extramarital affairs in many cases. “Married but looking” chat rooms and dating sites are abundant, and not just for men looking for a relationship outside of their marital vows — plenty of women frequent these forums, dating websites, and chat rooms themselves. And, not only are there “married but looking” types of services available today — escort websites and escort forums are unfortunate, but popular, locations for spouses who are considering having an extramarital affair as well.

Because the internet plays such a significant role in assisting an unfaithful husband or wife, there are services designed to track, and catch, extramarital infidelity through these online services. Using general information, sometimes information as innocuous as an email address, these online fidelity investigation services can find, track, and even trap a cheating spouse.

Now, you could choose to do a little bit of investigation yourself, or even choose to hire a private investigator to pursue your suspicions about your spouse. However, if the relationship is in its infancy, or the relationship is purely online, such as in cases where your spouse may be having an emotional affair with somebody else as opposed to a physical affair — there’s a good chance that you may not be able to catch them “in the act”, so to speak.

One of the benefits of using an Internet private investigation service, especially when your partner may only be testing the waters, or looking to talk with somebody new, is that setting a trap, and catching your spouse cheating, is relatively easy. If through the course of an investigation, your spouse has been found to have a persona ad on an online dating site or through a “married but looking” type of web site — the professional investigator can find out, and obtain evidence of, your partner’s actions or inactions with their online profiles.

Because the internet is a likely starting point for an extramarital affair, using an online fidelity investigation service is an effective way to catch a cheating spouse.

Copyright (c) 2009 Ed Opperman

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Marsha Rozalski asked:




What exactly is forgiveness and can you really forgive someone for such a devastating betrayal? Wikipedia says this about forgiveness: Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. So, what does it mean to actually forgive someone?

For one, it means that you won’t ever bring up what they have done to you in terms of being mean and to cause pain to them. That doesn’t mean you can never speak of it again but when you do it will be to find insight and enlightenment to move forward and not to throw barbs at the other person just to see them bleed.

Forgiveness is making up your mind to let go of the feelings of resentment, anger, bitterness and hatred you have towards the person that has committed the crime against you. Doing this can take a lot of determination and effort but remember you are doing this for yourself and your health. Forgiveness is NOT for the other person, it’s for YOU! You have to make up your mind that you don’t want to live with these awful feelings anymore. Forgiveness doesn’t come overnight, it’s a process that we all travel through at our own pace.

Forgiveness is also letting go of those feelings of revenge and the desire to punish the wrong doer. You don’t ever have to believe that what they did wasn’t wrong or that it didn’t hurt you deeply. That will always be true. Nothing can take that away as it’s a fact but we don’t have to let that fact ruin our lives by holding onto the need to punish the guilty over and over again. In the long run we aren’t only punishing them, we are also punishing ourselves.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that we won’t ever think about the infidelity again. But it does mean that we make the conscious effort to not to think about it in ways that are destructive to us anymore. So, these thoughts will most likely come back to haunt you and that is only natural but, you have you have to be in control, don’t like your thoughts be in control of you. Forgiveness is choosing not to dwell on these negative thoughts in a way that can become destructive to you and your relationship.

Forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean that we have to trust the other person. Trust is very different than forgiveness. Trust is something the other person must prove they are worthy of. Forgiveness is something we freely give and not something that has to be earned. In reality, you can forgive someone and never really trust them again.

Forgiveness is our choice and is up to us to give it or withhold it. But if you withhold your forgiveness in order to hurt the other party, you might just find out that the only person you are hurting is yourself. You’ll find that forgiving is very freeing, it’s freeing you of the bitterness and hatred that you’ve been carrying around in your heart towards this other person and your able to enjoy life again.

But you’ll find that forgiveness is a skill that must be practiced and learned. This won’t come over night and you may even find yourself forgiving the person over and over again. Know that this is okay and it doesn’t mean that you have never forgiven them. It just means that forgiveness takes practice and a lot of doing. You’ll find that forgiveness is a process that needs to be gone through. It takes time and work to process our emotions towards this other person like anger, bitterness, hatred, sadness, etc. The process may seem to be moving ever so slowly or maybe not at all but just know that as long as your moving in a forward direction from where you are today then your doing just fine. There is no time line as long as you are moving forward and not backward. Just make sure you give yourself plenty of time to process all your emotions before you forgive. If you forgive too quickly, you’ll find that it’s not real genuine forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a commitment and takes work and determination on your part. You may wonder why you still hurt so badly even though you have forgiven the other person. Forgiveness doesn’t take the hurt away. Remember that forgiveness means you no longer want to get revenge on the other person, and that you won’t use what the have done to hurt them. Healing the hurt is another process all in itself.

People ask, “If I forgive them does that mean we have to reconcile?” No, reconciliation is different than forgiveness. You can forgive someone and not want to reconcile with him or her. Maybe they are still caught up in the affair so reconciliation is not an option for you but you can still forgive them and move on in your life. Remember forgiveness is for you, not them. You can still forgive and not condone their behavior.

When you forgive and you let go of your feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness and revenge towards the other person, you get your life back. Your health improves and you find that you’re happy again and that good things are happening in your life again. You’ll find that when you don’t forgive that you’ll become an angry bitter person that no one wants to be around. I found this out the hard way, so I know it’s true.

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Sarah Nichols asked:




This question is pretty simple and straightforward. Who would be foolish enough to cheat and then to admit that he is cheating? He knows very well the problems that he will face at home if he cheats and then openly admits the same. After all, after a hard day of cheating one has to return to the peace & tranquility of their homes to relax.

By cheating and admitting the same a man will turn his home into a battle ground. Men are also extremely conscious about their ego. While they do want to cheat, at the same time they want to prove to their wives that they are the most honest husbands ever. This is one of the main points as to why men lie about their cheating habits.

Men also take a risk while not admitting about their affairs. They bank on the point and hope that they will not get caught. What could be more pleasing that leading enjoyable lives on both sides of the fence and getting away with it too? What could be better than enjoying the care and affection of a loving wife on returning home and then going back the next day to enjoy the company of a curvaceous secretary? Is this not the stuff dreams are made up of? This is one of the main reasons that men lie about their cheating habits.

Some men are just paranoid. They are afraid of the situation they will have to confront if they are caught. Why take a risk when a little bit of false statements can save the day? There are times when men jump into an affair blindly. When they realize that the other girl is not what he had thought her to be and might blackmail him, he resorts even more to telling lies to save his skin. The problem becomes compounded if he has children at home. These kids are quite intelligent and at the same time innocent enough. A father will never risk damaging his image before them.

One has to live in society. It becomes virtually impossible to live in a decent & respectable society once it has been found out that a man is unfaithful to his wife. While most of the male members of the society, especially the married ones might be living their own secret love lives, they are cloaking the same carefully and try not to get caught. It is only when they fear that there is a chance of getting caught that they resort to lies.

How would it feel to go to a party and being asked by every second person that you talk to about how is your love life with the secretary going? More often than not, it forces you to leave the party and avoid contacts with others in the future. Man is a social animal and he cannot stay without the same. Hence he has to lie about his cheating affairs to stay with society too.

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Alesia Vick asked:




Information presented in this article is for informational purposes only and is not to be considered legal advice. Legal references in this article apply to laws in the state of North Carolina.

If you discover that your spouse is/was involved in an extramarital affair or another third party’s actions have threatened the stability of your marriage and/or led to divorce, you may have grounds for a lawsuit in North Carolina. North Carolina is one of few states that recognize alienation of affections and criminal conversation as torts, or wrongdoings that allow the plaintiff to recover damages. The basis of such laws, point to a type of injury or loss that occurs to the innocent spouse when a third party acts in a manner that is destructive to the marriage.

The foundation of a criminal conversation claim is injury, loss, or damage based on actual sexual intercourse between the plaintiff’s spouse and the third party (defendant). Under North Carolina law, each provable act of intercourse gives rise to a separate criminal conversations claim. In order to recover damages on the basis of criminal conversation, you must prove that: 1) the act of sexual intercourse took place between your spouse and the defendant, 2) you have a valid, existing marriage, and 3) the adulterous act or acts took place within the three-year statute of limitations. Consent by the plaintiff to extramarital sexual intercourse is the only viable defense to a criminal conversations claim. Ignorance, seduction, marital instability, and even separation are not valid defenses.

Alienation of affections is somewhat more difficult to prove than criminal conversation. The basis for this claim is that a third party (defendant) acted with intention, in such manner, as to alienate the innocent spouse from the affection of the other spouse. This claim does not have to be based on adultery, and can therefore be brought against lovers, clergy, family members, or anyone who intentionally seeks to break up a marriage. To successfully bring this claim, the plaintiff must show that: 1) there was some degree of love between the married couple, 2) he/she suffered loss when the love was alienated or destroyed, and 3) the third party’s (defendant) intent was to alienate or destroy the marriage. Though intercourse may strengthen the claim, proving “intent” opens this claim to several defenses. Like criminal conversation, alienation of affection has a three-year statute of limitations.

North Carolina jurors have been very generous in deliberating in favor of the innocent spouse. In rare cases North Carolina jurors have awarded damages in excess of $1 million for the plaintiff. Typical damages are awarded in amounts ranging in the tens of thousands.

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Leah G asked:




There are many reasons why people are unfaithful and have affairs. These affairs are a betrayal to the person that they are officially involved with or married to and are very damaging to the relationship when their partner finds out about the infidelity.

But why do people have affairs in the first place when they know that they can cause so much hurt and destruction?

Here are some reasons:

* Sex
* Love
* Loneliness
* Sadness
* Boredom
* Lack of attention
* Ego
* Falling out of Love

Sex
If one person in a relationship has a higher sex drive than the other this can cause the eye to wonder. It may not be any reflection at all on the love that they have for their partner but their sexual appetite is such that they are battling constantly to refrain and resist temptation.

Not everyone succeeds and so some end up having affairs. Rarely do these type of affairs involve real affection, love and they may be very fleeting partnerships.

Sex may take place at an office party, a boys night out or making out with the kids babysitter.
If it is the woman that is being unfaithful, then she may be sleeping with the boss, a colleague or the milkman!

Basically people who seek affairs or are susceptible to being unfaithful will find someone within their circle and if a spark is ignited and chemistry is present then they may just find themselves caught up in a moment of lust only to regret it afterwards.

If you have always had a fairly low sex drive it can be hard to understand how this type of loss of control can happen.

These type of ‘one off’ sexual encounters may seem less serious than a more emotionally involved affair where feelings are present and it lasts for years but that is a myth. Casual sex whether in a relationship or not can increase the likelihood of sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s) which you may then pass to your real partner, unwanted pregnancy or the risk that the mistress may fall in love and threaten to blow your cover and tell your wife!

Men may find they have a bunny boiler on their hands..remember the film ‘Basic Instinct’?

Women may find themselves being stalked, though men have those too nowadays. What a world we live in!

Love
The man or woman falls in love with someone they are close to perhaps through work, friends of the family, perhaps your partners best friend. Love is not something we can control, it ‘happens’ whether we act on it though is something we can control though that is not to say it’s easy and I am not here to pass judgment. Who am I to suggest to anyone that they should not be with the person they love? I don’t know the facts, I have not walked a mile in their shoes.

Loneliness, sadness, boredom and lack of attention
I am lumping these three things together as they all amount to the same thing. For whatever reason there is something lacking in their existing relationship and despite the fact they may love their partner deeply they are not having their emotional needs (not necessarily sexual) met. Their partner may spend weekends on their hobby or own friends/family and exclude their partner. Family tensions may be causing a rift.

The person feeling emotionally robbed may find themselves inexplicably drawn to the first person who shows them some affection, kindness or attention. They may be very vulnerable and low when that knight in shining armor rides past! They may foolishly believe that they will be rescued completely and live a new life altogether or they may just be welcoming a break from their humdrum existence.

Ego
Some people have giant ego’s and have neither respect for themselves or others and genuinely do think they can sail through life doing whatever they like without ever being caught out.

People fall out of love
This is very sad but true. Sometimes people change and some do not change enough, either way falling in and out of love is beyond our control.

So if people need more sex or fall in love with someone else why don’t they end their existing relationship first?

There might be too much to lose and they may still love their existing partner, wife, husband. They may have kids that they do not want to see traumatised by divorce or separation or risk not being able to see them often or at all. There might be financial considerations. They might have their whole life and financial security tied up in the other person.

From what I know myself of people who have been unfaithful, they do not want initially to leave the person they are with. Circumstances get beyond their control. They give in to passion, they give in to feeling attractive and enjoying the attention of someone else and they hope their partner never finds out. Some hope they do! Some want to jolt an inattentive partner into being a better partner than they have been.

Should you forgive your partner for having an affair?
This is for you to decide and no one else. I myself have never had an affair, been unfaithful or been someones mistress so I am reflecting here on what I have been told by others who have had affairs. I have though had a partner who had an affair and I ended the relationship. For me though there were other issues and that was just the icing on the cake.

What you choose though should be based on how you feel about your partner, the unique circumstances and whether you can forgive and trust them once more.

Affairs are often a symptom of other problems within a relationship and should you decide to forgive and forget spend some time trying to work out what it was that prompted the affair in the first place. Complete honesty is called for. Be prepared to accept that in some cases you may share some responsibility. Though this will not always be the case.

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Teddy Shabba asked:




Once you find out that she has been cheating on you it is only human to want to know how long she has been cheating on you without you knowing about it.

More than likely you thought you were in a committed relationship with her and would like to know when exactly it turned into a one way street with you playing the lead role of the fool.

While you might think that you want to know how long she has been cheating on you, the truth is you cant handle the truth and you already know (if you are honest with yourself) exactly when she stopped being the ideal woman for you and turned into something else.

If not, odds are her cheating ways may have truly been a mistake, yet it is too late to turn back the hand of time.

Your desire to know how long she has been cheating on you isn’t going to help you in any way.

In fact, it only gives her the chance to make you an even weaker man than you already will have become and allow her to involve you in a vicious cycle that can and will only benefit her.

All you really need to know once she cheats on you is that the bond of trust that all relationships are based upon has been broken thereby ending the relationship.

Anything other than that is going to put you in a position where cheating is somewhat acceptable and the likelihood of you being cheated on in this or any other relationship increases more than it would have had you broken up with her and not concerned yourself with the length or reasons for her cheating ways.

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Tim Denio asked:




Do you have suspicions that your spouse is cheating on you? This is the first sign that indicates the possibility that your partner does cheat on you. Never, never silence your gut feeling. The majority of people are intuitive and you will “know” just about the same time that things have changed even if there is nothing to put a finger on. If you have the slightest feeling that infidelity is involved and you want to know the truth, the most important rule is to keep it to yourself. It is very difficult to catch a cheater as it is; it is even harder if he knows that you have developed suspicions about him.

From the moment the feeling that he is not true to you enters your mind and heart, you need to make yourself understand that all the basic rules on which a relationship is founded are suspended. The saying, “All is fair in love and war.” is fully applicable here. Forget that trust is the key of a relationship and suspend any guilty feelings that you might develop when you verify his stories, check his phone, drop in unexpected at his office when he is doing overtime, etc. You need to deal with the truth head on; and for that you need to have the truth in black and white or your partner will never agree that he is indeed cheating on you.

How do you find the truth?

Be prepared for a long and arduous journey. Infidelity is easier to deal with when compared to “setting traps” for your spouse. This is a classic situation where the victim feels more guilty than the perpetrator of the crime. You need to steel yourself to take certain actions that would give you proof of your man’s adultery and that is not going to be easy. Be prepared for the emotional upheaval that would assail you when you set out to catch a cheater spouse or partner. Also, keep your eyes open for the truth as it is, not as you would like to see or hear it. You will find that at a certain point of time you will make excuses for him; this is because the infidelity is a very painful blow to your ego, to your trust, to your love and therefore you would be tempted to camouflage the truth to convince yourself that you are not betrayed. Here are four concrete steps that will give you the truth:

1. Join the game – he will not tell you the truth and expect you to believe him. Show him you do. Drop by his office with an elaborate meal when he says he is working late. Invite the friends he mixes with over, and so on.

2. Keep records – start keeping records. Write down everything he says, dates, times, etc. This will be invaluable to you when the jigsaw puzzle falls into place. He will not remember all his lies and will insinuate you misunderstood; the records would stand you good when you confront him.

3. Monitoring is okay – do not feel guilty to monitor the whereabouts of your spouse. In most cases, this is the only way you can get concrete proof and catch a cheater partner red handed. The best would be spy cameras at home, automatic voice activated calls recorder (hidden), computer log monitoring software, etc. Remember, you need proof indisputable proof before you confront him.

4. Pay attention to weekends – this is the time when the adultery is most rampant. The best would be to follow him yourself when he leaves home during the weekends. You could ask a close friend to help, or you could use professional services.

Collect your evidence and before you confront him and be emotionally prepared for the outcome. As I said it is easier to find out if your partner is cheating, than it is to handle the consequences of this devastating truth.

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Ryan Singler asked:




Most of us believe in fairy tales and happy endings. However real life has much more going on which includes the occasional hard knock so it is rather far from being a fairy tale. There are times that we believe that our beau loves us only to later know that he was cheating all the time. Needless to say it can be gut wrenching and heart breaking to discover that the person you loved broke your trust and heart as well. However, in this universe nothing is sudden. There are signs to every disease and there are signs to show that he’s cheating. What are the signs he’s cheating? Here are some of them. They are not the only ones but they are some of the most common ones which most guys would employ unless until they are really super intelligent and have some innovative ways up their sleeves!

1. There is times all of us talk late in the night. However, those times are few and far between. If you notice that your man is getting late night calls on a regular basis, then its time to do some investigation. Late night calls probably mean that he is calling a woman up. It can also imply that this lady does not know about you. Regular late night calls are a danger signal you must not ignore.

2. Do you notice that of late he does not talk much on his phone in your presence? Earlier when people from his office used to call him, he used to spend hours telling them or discussing his office work and you used to get irritated. How is it now that he hangs the phone the moment you enter the room? Does he have anything to hide?

3. These days infidelity has a new abode. The internet. Guys who cheat normally have multiple email accounts, secretive passwords and don’t want you to know about it. Earlier he used to be visible online and now he is no where to be seen! Does he have many email accounts which you don’t know about? It might be possible that he is using these accounts to communicate with the other woman in his life.

4. Earlier all this face book and My Space accounts were being operated by you. Suddenly you find that he has changed the passwords of the account. When you question him, he says that he has official communication on that account. Well, that’s actually not true. The possibility is that he is using a different id or nickname to communicate with his girl friend. This is one of the most common methods since it offers complete privacy.

5. Does he keep texting messages all day long? When you ask him, he says its work or “friends”? When you ask him to show the messages he does not show them? Or even when you check his phone on the sly all the dialed numbers and incoming call data is erased and the message box empty? These are sure shot signs that he is cheating on you!

These are some of the signs that your man is cheating on you. However, before you go and confront him it is important to garner facts and figures else if you confront him without solid data, chances are that he will become more careful. He may also start blaming you for insecurity and lack of trust for him. Hence if you see signs he’s cheating on you, then investigate and find out the truth.

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